


too close to the stars

by versethree



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:15:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23582947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/versethree/pseuds/versethree
Summary: you're a miracle,jinyoung thinks.a spell put on me that makes me touch down onto endless euphoria as we await for our time to strike.and i wish i could do more than remember.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Kudos: 8





	too close to the stars

**Author's Note:**

> here's my favourite one shot from my old account, improved & rewritten <3 enjoy

To put it in simple terms,

Park Jinyoung was always waiting. 

He was always waiting for something; someone to hold onto deep down at heart. Always spending his time looking for the one particular thing or person to lean on when life itself extends his worries to the maximum and when his usual routine no longer seems right. It was pretty easy, convincing himself to hang in there because according to him there's always _something_ , or even better, _someone_ , waiting for him and the end of the road. Park Jinyoung just needed to get there first.

And as much as he didn't want to say it and admit it out loud, he hated it. He hated it and thinking about it made his stomach twist and turn, his heart speeding up to far more than the normal amount of beats an hour with no prior intention for it. Don't get him wrong, it wasn't that he was impatient. In fact, you could ask anyone that the boy had ever known and they would all say the same thing - that Park Jinyoung had always been the furtherest away from impatient he could possibly be; always having everything set out according to his detailed plans it was almost impossible to catch him disorganised at any point in his life.

Nothing in his life had ever pointed to the word _impatient_ , but sometimes, it clearly felt like he was waiting, always searching for something, _someone_ , that will never come back to him.

And yet, he's still waiting.

Park Jinyoung thought he was really going crazy when he rapidly went from writing long and complex pieces of poetry as soon as the feeling of disorientation seemed to be outgrowing him, making him wonder what the sole purpose of waiting so long for something, _someone_ so unreachable was, to the realisation that after a while, he was finding himself at loss of words from the struggle of desperately searching for his other half.

The one part of him that felt like it was missing for so, so long, way past what him or almost anyone else could recall to be normal. The part that was lost somewhere out there in the world, all for anyone to look at without knowing and realising that _that's_ just what Jinyoung has been missing of him this entire time. Regardless of time, Jinyoung always felt like maybe it hasn't been long enough yet, maybe the time was going too slow or too fast for him to notice how much he had really spent waiting around and not doing anything to move past his deepening concerns. Or maybe it has just been too long for him to keep track of time.

It was disappointing, as Jackson, his best friend and companion in life as Jinyoung liked to describe him, had said to him for what felt like the one thousandth time over. It was pitiful to see Jinyoung so worked up about something that only he seemed to understand and be able to get his head around.

After all, it's been years since Jaebeom left without a sign, not a trace of him left behind, and Jinyoung still wished he'd come back someday; he lived for the hope that they could just pretend nothing ever happened at all, that they could go back to normal life after all of this is over. Still, regardless of the waiting, a part of him always remained hopeful.

Jinyoung deeply longed for the moment that him and Jaebeom would meet once again in this life, remembering the older boy's promises to always come back to him no matter how many times he has to do so. The boy wondered how much time it would take until they can go out and order Jaebeom's favourite food to have during a movie night, or to grab the coffee he used to drink every morning before drifting off to the park where he always liked to read. Jinyoung remembered it all like it was yesterday.

He wished for him and Jaebeom to talk and catch up on how life has treated them both and for everything to finally, for once, be okay again. Just for one more time, one more day, one more night, at least. That's all Jinyoung ever wanted, to have Jaebeom back. Why was it so hard to ever forget him? Was he hoping for too much?

Why exactly was it so hard? Had the Universe purposely treated him so unkindly? Had it all been a part of a plan, or was it some stupid mistake Jinyoung made in his past life in order to deserve to feel so lost with no explanation at all? The questions haunted him with no intentions of ever leaving him be, leading him to wonder if Jaebeom ever loved him like he said he did. The possibilities were endless, and the lack of any answers from anyone felt like someone out there was out to get him. Like everyone and everything he's ever had, had turned against him the moment Jaebeom left. And oh, Jinyoung remembers that day so well.

He remembers the agonising pain piercing right through him and the tears falling down his cheeks that wouldn't stop despite how many hours had passed. Turns out, the purest yet most intense feeling the boy has ever felt was no longer meeting Jaebeom, feeling close to him and having him by his side - soon enough, Jinyoung realised that it was the lack of all of those things that got the most out of him in all the negative ways imaginable. Jinyoung remembers, he remembers everything so much clearer than he allows himself to. _He remembers the day he lost Jaebeom like it had happened yesterday._

It was no secret that throughout the years, Jinyoung doubted if he ever truly felt happy without Jaebeom. Unsure if his doubts came from the endless thinking he's done or the lack of anything better to do, time sped past him uncontrollably and all Jinyoung wondered was if the dictionary meaning of the said word was really true, or if it was secretly hidden deep within the name of _Lim Jaebeom_ instead. One of the many wonders Jinyoung had was, how was it possible for someone to be so significant in another person's life; enough for them to feel lost and more confused than ever when that person was gone?

What most definitely didn't help the situation, and what possibly made it worse, was hearing his friends talk about how he looked like he had just gone though a breakup, or that he seemed generally more distant than before. Other people had noticed that Jackson was more consistent with forcing him to get out of bed and ensure the younger boy had eaten and slept well and on time. Jinyoung knew how bad and toxic all of this was. He was slowly tiring himself out with the long-term outcomes clearly rubbing off on him. He was deeply aware of it.

Above all of the struggles and consequences, there was only so much he could do to stop his heart from feeling like it was made to beat out Jaebeom's name; only so much was left to stop him from slowly falling apart at the mere mention of the guy who once promised to be his forever leaving out of nowhere. Where did it all go wrong?

A heart yet so known as an internal clock, a ticker that beats out the piece; the one that measures time. Each moment of each hour Jinyoung spent creating false hope and remembering the past events, made him feel like each beat hit closer to the home he lost years ago. Truth is, not once in this time did Park Jinyoung ever lose the hope that one day he'll meet Jaebeom, _his_ Jaebeom once more. He wasn't sure how realistic his hopes were, knowing that it's been so long and there was a high chance that Jaebeom had moved on from him, hell, maybe he had his life all settled and figured out for all Jinyoung knew. There was nothing he could do about it, now that he didn't even know where in the world Jaebeom could be.

It hurt more than anything, more than all the previous pain he had felt in the twenty five years he's been alive combined and multiplied by a hundred. Not so much the fact that Jaebeom wasn't with him anymore - in fact, Jinyoung would much rather know that Jaebeom is safe and well with someone else and that life is going great for him, than to not know anything at all. It hurt, more and more-so with each day. Park Jinyoung knows this better than anyone else.

One of the things that acted as an escape to Jinyoung whenever the situation seemed to be getting out of hand -as ridiculous as it sounds- was rereading the letters Jaebeom once used to write for him. Whatever the occasion was, whether it was their one month anniversary or Jinyoung's eighteenth birthday over six years ago now (and oh, how clearly does Jinyoung still remember that one), Jaebeom was incredible with words and placing the most accurate adjectives and the most perfect metaphors onto his feelings. Now that Jinyoung comes to think about it, he thinks that maybe, just maybe, there is a slight chance that Jaebeom was the one who started his adoration for poetry, too.

He remembers one of the dozens of letters he kept in his memory box the most - he remembers noticing that Jaebeom's handwriting looks a little thicker, meaning he must have used a different pen to the ones he always uses. Jinyoung wasn't the one to overlook things, but nothing Jaebeom had ever done was without purpose. That's what made them click so well; the two were a perfect balance of yin and yang, with equilibrant forces of differences where necessary because two exactly the same personalities were almost a perfect recipe for failure.

Jinyoung remembers the exact time and place Jaebeom handed the letter over to him, telling him to _read it later when he's free_ , for once the older boy appearing more embarrassed, unlike the usual routine of Jinyoung getting flustered at the smallest things Jaebeom did.

Why couldn't it always be like that? Why did the world have to turn it all against him? Against _them_?

On the other hand, no matter how much Jinyoung desperately tried to change the situation he was in, it was long ago that he realised he'd rather do whatever he can to remember Jaebeom and how much his world changed when the older boy entered his life, than stand back and do nothing at all.

So, Jinyoung rushes over to his nightstand where he keeps a box of Jaebeom's thoughts and feelings between other confessions and love notes written on paper, in pastel blue to pastel pink envelopes, each one carefully wrapped. Oh, Jackson would be so disappointed that Jinyoung is still reading those.

It wasn't hard finding the one that meant the most to him, seeing as the envelope drastically contrasted the others with its bright red edges and golden patterns printed across it. _Nothing Jaebeom had ever done was without purpose_ , he thinks again.

Red, the colour of love.

Red, the colour of anger.

One step forward, two steps back.

In all honesty, it's not that Jinyoung was angry at Jaebeom either. He wasn't mad, upset, annoyed, at anyone else other than himself. Almost every one of his nights was spent blaming himself as his heart sinked deeply in melancholy and the purest meaning and definition of guilt that got worse day by day. Jinyoung feels like there hasn't yet been a time of day where he felt less like the events he is yet to come to terms with were of anyone's fault but his. Surely, he could've stopped Jaebeom from leaving. He didn't know how, but there must have been something. So, why didn't he do it?

_22 September 2012_ shows up as Jinyoung rigorously takes the thin folded piece of paper out of the blood red envelope, careful not to ruin or damage it despite his hands shaking apprehensively. Jinyoung's eighteenth birthday and one year after they first met. How is it that he's read over the short piece of writing so many times and his mind still restlessly overflows with emotions every time he tells himself to just ignore them? Yup, Jackson would definitely be disappointed.

Finally, Jinyoung reads.

_Park Jinyoung,_

_It's already been one year since we met. Can you believe it? I remember that day so well, I remember how nervous you were and how you were too scared to even shake my hand._

_I remember how much you tried to cloak the fact you were nervous, and honestly, you still do the same thing sometimes but by now I'm so used to it that I barely even notice it._

_I remember your smile - you always used to try and cover it with your hands, but then you stopped and I suddenly found that I had naturally started paying more attention to how beautiful it is and how I constantly want to see it over and over again._

_I remember how even though you were nervous, you still somehow managed to keep your cool. How did you do that, Jinyoungie? How do you always manage to stay calm even when everything points otherwise?_

_Out of all of those, I think it's safe to say that I remember your eyes the most. I remember how they dazzled more than anything I had ever seen and how they made the whole world so much brighter. I remember struggling to believe that someone with such beauty hidden within just their eyes could truly only live an average life like every other._

_I'm sure it wouldn't be quite a surprise for me to say that I knew I loved you back then; I just wasn't quite aware of it until a few months later. I fell in love with the person you were back then, the shy Park Jinyoung with the prettiest eyes I've ever_ _seen, without putting on an act, without anyone else around you. It was just us back then, remember?_

_I fell in love with you for you, the Park Jinyoung that a year later, I am so proud to call my boyfriend, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, my soulmate. For now, I can only hope to keep falling as deeply in love with you as I have been for the past year._

_No matter what happens, no matter where you are in the world, I swear I'll do anything to keep you by my side. I'll always be here, Jinyoung, forever and always._

_Yours,_

_-JB_

That was a part of the reason why it hurt so bad after all; why Jinyoung kept on waiting and waiting even though the boy himself knew he should probably at least try and move on already. Jaebeom promised, he swore that he'll find him despite the time, despite where they are, despite anything and everything that could ever stop them, Jaebeom _promised_. He never used to break his promises, so why would he break one of them now?

Park Jinyoung and Lim Jaebeom met when Jinyoung was seventeen. By eighteen, they already had their life almost all well and figured out; the younger boy always worrying if things were moving too fast for them, if Jaebeom needed more time, if they should stop and wait a little longer. Jaebeom was always the first one to reassure Jinyoung that everything was going to be okay, that it's good that they have their life figured out so early. So, how come was it that he was the one to make such a decision and leave with a blink of an eye?

However, Jinyoung was no longer eighteen, he was now twenty five. It's been four years since Jaebeom left and while to some it might not seem like a large period of time, Jinyoung missed the way his heart bloomed when he heard Jaebeom call him his favourite _Jinyoungie,_ he missed how his name sounded whenever Lim Jaebeom would over-excitedly call for him from afar, he missed seeing the older boy smile so brightly and endearingly as he showed him a song he helped write. _Jaebeom was incredible with words_ , he thinks once more. Jinyoung missed how loved Jaebeom made him feel, and while greedy or over-affectionate weren't the best adjectives to describe the man, what was there about Jaebeom that he _didn't_ miss?

Jinyoung thinks. _That's one thing he's always been good at. Thinking. Always, endless thinking._

_Jaebeom,_

_You always say you think I'm like your soulmate from the other side of the world, and maybe I'm overlooking it and maybe I'm taking it the wrong way, but, what I could never bring myself to say_ _is that I feel the exact same way about you too, maybe even twice as more._

_Lim Jaebeom, I'll always wait for you. No matter how long it takes. I'll always be here too, remember?_

Jaebeom was everything Jinyoung never had before he walked into his life. His eyes had the ability to gloss over the rain upon the cold surface of Jinyoung's mind with warmth and endurance. His voice, a lullaby that Jinyoung awaited at the end of each day and a good morning text right as he woke up just to realise that _oh, it's him again_ , but the one he would never exchange for anything else in the world. Jaebeom was the feeling of soft, white bedsheets that are still warm from the dryer; or the comforting smell of sweet vanilla candles Jinyoung could never quite get enough of. The spring that awaited after the burning frost of winter. The light that made him forget the darkness when it felt like his world was crashing down and falling into pieces. Jaebeom laced his heart in cupid bows and love notes left on the kitchen table as their hearts ticked once more. All he had left to do was wishing he could do more than remember.

Still, after all, Jinyoung was always waiting.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!  
> follow my twitter if you like ^^   
> @versethrees


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